[personal profile] sichernde_seele
So much to say.

The last few weeks of life have been crazy. (I know, I know. What's new, right?)

I lost my job. We had a major hurricane. I had some relationship struggles. I had some personal struggles.

I started revisiting a plan that I'd had a few years ago. I went to see the recruiter. I talked to a lot of folks. Cat, who spent several years in the Army. I've explored every single thought process that has run through my brain.

The difference between now and then? I'm not all smiley happy shiny about it all. I know and have weighed the risks. The worst case and the best case. I'm not escaping.

During a talk with my father and a subsequent talk with a very wise woman, I came to the conclusion that over the last year and a half, I have stopped running. This is an open door. I'm choosing to walk through it. With a very clear head. It's just not in the clouds.

Tonight I re-took my ASVAB as my other score was over 2 years old and, therefore, invalid. I had a 79 on the practice test. I set a goal of 80 for myself on the real thing. I got an 87. This is a Very Good Score, from what I understand.

My biggest obstacle now is the Dependancy Waiver. They have to show that joining the Army isn't going to cause financial hardship. I don't think this will be too hard as I'm currently unemployed. No money vs. a steady paycheck. I think maybe it can be shown that enlisting is adventageous to my situation. I'm still nervous about it.

I *should* be going to MEPS on Friday. However, with Hurricane Rita now bearing down on our alternate MEPS (Houston), that may get put off.

There are people who are very unhappy with this decision. Much as it pains me to hear the absolute disdain and disgust, this time, I can't and won't let it stop me. Yes, I'm taking a risk. With my life. I just can't find it in myself to live the remainder of my life with regret because I dropped it for someone else. I love him. I always will. I can only hope that he'll one day forgive me. But that is his cross to bear. I have to do what I feel is right.

This also means I will be walking away from new relationships. At least geographically. I'm not giving up.

My name is Holly. I have dreams. I have hopes for my family. I have a best friend out there that won't speak to me probably for a long time to come over this. That's one of my consequences. But I'd rather beg forgiveness than live with regret. That's the bottom line.

I'm well aware this isn't my only option. That's largely the reason that I'm still going through with it. At some point, I decided that I would not accept that I was ever out of options. I'm choosing this because I want it. I want to do this. Yes, I'm terrified. Terrified of failure. Terrified of death. Terrified of letting myself down. But I'm more terrified of not trying.

If you are not in support of me, that's okay. I don't need validation from anyone but myself. I am still a woman. Still a mother. Still a lover. Still a girl. Still standing.

If you are willing to cheer me on, go right ahead. I'm sure I'll appreciate it. But at the end of the day...I have to live with myself.

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Sichernde Seele

November 2005


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