Jun. 13th, 2005

I removed a ton of people from my list tonight.

Not because of anything in particular.

There is so much going on in my head and in my life these days. A lot of you, I don't know. You are internet people. Don't get me wrong. I'm sure all of you are great people in your real lives. I just don't personally know you.

Some things are going to be changing round here.

I kept only those that I know in real life and the nesters. The nesters...frankly, I have known you freaks so long and some of us have interacted and helped each other out here in the real world...so I just couldn't part with you.

I hope those that were removed aren't offended. It's really nothing personal. I work in front of a computer dealing with the internet and all it's woes all day. I don't want it in my personal space anymore.

There's a big beautiful world out there and I really want to concentrate on it and how it pertains to me.

While those removed had all touched me in some way, I just don't have time to keep up with it all. I don't want to. I can't sit here and worry and fret about people I don't know. I have my own load to carry.

This may sound horribly harsh. Frankly, I don't care. The real world is calling.

~Holly
What's up with Holly? Where has she been? I'm not sure if I can answer those questions in a short way...but I'll do my best.

Holly's been going slightly off the deep end. But I somehow feel more centered. Makes a ton of sense, doesn't it?

Let's recap.

August 2004 - Hired by Eatel
October 2004 - Bought a new car
March 2005 - Turned 30. Went to Disney World.
April 2005 - Found a new place. Moved a couple of things....
May 2005 - Moved a couple of more things. Got called for Jury Duty. Had some cancer removed from the back of my head.
June 2005 - Finished trial for 2 counts of first degree murder. Totally lost my shit.

In the last year, I've seen so much. I've finally learned to pay my bills in an organized fashion. I've learned to appreciate routine. I've learned I really can "do it".

My credit is still hosed. I still want to get my tattoos removed. I still need some pretty major dental work.

My landlord isn't willing to fix some things that are vital to the health and safety of my family. I really need to continue to save money and work on some of those long term goals.

I knew something didn't feel quite right about the place. I just couldn't bring myself to fully move in. It just wasn't "clicking".

So, the short version is...I'm staying put for a while.

If you should happen to see me out in the world, keep a few things in mind.

I still miss him. I know I did what I had to do. I know it was the right thing to do. It still hurts. Every day. No matter what I say or how strong I appear.

It's very rarely in life that people find their soulmate. For some, it works out. For others, God has a really funny sense of humor.

It probably won't ever work. One day, maybe it won't even hurt as bad. For the moment, I'm doing the best I can.

And no, quite frankly, I don't care what you think. Love all of you, but your opinion of him or us or the past doesn't mend my hurt. So keep it to yourself, huh?

In response to Dido's words "And you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day"...No, I don't. I know that already. Today, my heart still hurts. Miserably. Even when I said it didn't. Even when I was completely numb...it was still there. Buried.

One morning, I woke up and it overflowed. It hasn't stopped.

Hug me. Make me laugh. Don't lecture me or tell me how wrong it is. Just let me feel what I feel and try to wake up one more day.

Remember, it was *me* that walked away. It was me that said "We can't do this anymore. *I* can't do this anymore." That doesn't mean that it wasn't one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Okay, so there you go. That pretty much sums it all up. I'm doing the best I can. I'll wake up tomorrow and do my best all over again. I'm hurting. I'm strong, I'm weak, I'm smiling and I'm crying.

~Holly

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Sichernde Seele

November 2005

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